Bort’s Portal

If you’re a fan of the show, you should know exactly what to expect here: rapid-fire gags. It’s a hilarious story from beginning to end. Joke after joke. I was hoping that since it was straight to video and unrated, it would be more tasteless and raunchy, but alas, since this was originally made for TV, you won’t find anything incredibly risqué. They just drop the “F bomb” in it a lot. Oh yeah, and the moron DVD designers have the EDITED version set as the default (!!). Why they would even include a censored version, let alone set it as the default, is beyond me; but make sure you click on “languages” and choose “uncut” the first time you watch. This is basically 3 episodes with an opener and ender. They first created it after the show was cancelled, (Peter is doing his segment about what grinds my gears, when he get’s fired. He shouts “Fuck you, America!” You can tell this was a direct comment to the people of the networks for cancelling the show.) Genius! But overall, the “movie” is freakin’ sweet! I highly recommend it for any Family Guy fan! Great quotes, great stories, great fun! Spend the 20 bucks to get it! It will be well worth it! And of course, the jabs at movies and TV shows. The Ferris Bueller joke at the end of the movie is a riot!!!
Here are a few of the classic quotes you’ll hear and see when you watch it:

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn’t have porn. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can’t fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor’s living room while his neighbor’s at work because I don’t have a DVD player? Well, I don’t know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That’s right. Chris, I’m gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn’t smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you’re gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Stewie Griffin: [after Brian walks in on Stewie shaving himself] Umm, feel free to say no to this but… would you mind shaving my coin purse?

Man #1: [Lois and Peter are watching a Sam Adams commercial on TV] I’ll have water, please.
Man #2: I’ll have water too, but with lemon, please.
Man #3: I’ll have a Sam Adams, please
Man #4: It’s 9:30 in the morning!’
Man #1: Don’t you have an outstanding DUI?
Man #3: Yeah, but I gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
Man #4: I’ll have a Sam Adams too.
Sam Adams: Samuel Adams. Always a good decision.

Odo: I’m watching your every move, Quark, so don’t think you can get away with any law-breaking.
Quark Griffin: Yeah, yeah, whatever, man.
Odo: I mean it! You’ll have me to deal with!
Quark Griffin: Ohhhh, I’m really scared.
Odo: I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.
Quark Griffin: Hey, here’s an idea: why don’t you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?

Directed by: Pete Michels and Peter Shin
Rating: Unrated
Starring:
Seth MacFarlane…. Stewie Griffin/Peter Griffin/Brian Griffin/Glen Quagmire/Tom Tucker/Additional Voices (voice)
Alex Borstein….Lois Griffin/Additional Voices (voice)
Mila Kunis….Meg Griffin/Additional Voices (voice)
Seth Green….Chris Griffin/Additional Voices (voice)
Lori Alan….Diane Simmons (voice)

Peter Griffin: “You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a… You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.”

How many words are there for the word vagina? Let’s find out. Sorry if this offends anyone. Let’s see George Carlin come up with a list like this!

vagina, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, twat, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, hole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher’s mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, black hole of calcutta, socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard’s sleeve, DNA dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, Jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where Uncle’s doodle goes, altar of love, cupid’s cupboard, bird’s nest, bucket, cock-chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunk-pot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, Golden Palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. Holiest of Holies, sugar hole, The Death of Adam, home plate, Deer Hoof, Golden Arches, Cats Paw, Mule Nose, Yo Yo Smuggler, Mumbler (Aussie), Dinner Roll, Crotch Waffle, Piss Fenders, crack, Melvin, Dove Breast, Brakepads, Vedgie, Slurpy, Vacuum Vulva, Pastrami Flaps, Hot Tamaki Walk, Buffalo Gums, Rooster Jaws, Wagon Ruts, Beaver Teeth, Mumble Pants (Sweden), Ninja Boot, Marcia (Aussie), Skin Canoe, Fatty, Mossy Jaw, The Big W, Chia Hole, Lip Jeans, Beetle Hood, Hungry Minge, Sausage Wallet, Front Bottom, Welly Top, Frum, Pancake Fold, Tongue Roll, Bologna Flap-Over, Furrogi (Poland), Fortune Nookie (China), Bearded Taco, Calamari Cockring, Displabia, Slot Pocket, Bluntfrunt, Fishamjig, Pole Magnet, Pocket Pie, Clamarama, kitty cage, Chicken’s tongue, Conch shell, Crack of heaven, Dog’s mouth, Door of life, Fly catcher, Fruit cup, Jelly roll, Lobster pot, bunny tuft, KNISH, her neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, JIZZ RECEPTICLE, The Helmut Hide-A-Way, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, Enchilada of love, Ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter & twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man’s charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil’s hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, s, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, ever-lasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, wilt chamberlian’s daily glove, the code defierthe salt water taffy factory, mommy’s pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the dea bone patch, the vegitarian’s temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, Spitball Bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel’s smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop Box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, curator, b.o.b.’s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count fapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound,lick n’ stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, ry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cave, donut, coochie pop, babby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, hairy potter, courtney cocksleve, panty hamster,deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, magnet, slippery slide, Meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, quim, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, little debbie, pole hole, pandora’s box,snail tracker, zilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indiana bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold, holiest of holys.

About a year or so ago, a new movie theater opened up in Council Bluffs, The Star Cinema. 16 movie screens, comfy seats, lots of room, really nice. Well, there is also another theater in town called the Omni 4. It’s been around for some time. Erik and Melissa used to frequent it quite often when they lived here because it was only a few blocks from their house. Well, as with all new and bigger things, it’s downsized. When a new Wal-Mart came to Atlantic, my home town, it was only a matter of time before the smaller department stores were either downsized or shut down. K-Mart has closed there and there’s a couple other even smaller, rare named stores that will probably not last. The Omni 4 has now become a dollar theater. For a while there, the titles on the board were not ones I recognized, and I follow the movie scene pretty closely! Now, it’s showing “Wedding Crashers”, “War of the Worlds” and “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”. Those were already out this past summer. It only makes sense that the Omni become a dollar theater, otherwise they would have to shut down. So, if you’re ever in CB, and are looking to go see a movie, you can either pay 8 bucks to go to the Star Cinema and sit in comfort, or you can pay a buck and see the ones that everyone else has probably already seen. The only other dollar theater in the area is in Omaha over by the old Stockyards.

I’ve been meaning to re-purpose this site for a while. When I saw the CSS Reboot, I found my opportunity. This was finally a chance to update Bort’s Portal for 2005 (well, almost 2006).

Still a Portal?

No, not really. Bort’s Portal was conceived way back in 2000, back when portals, or web entry points, were all the rage. Everybody wanted THEIR site to be the first stop on the internet. A lot has changed since then. There are many, many sites that do the portal thing very well, so there’s no reason to compete. Plus, people don’t use them anymore. Their value is waning. With news readers gaining exponential popularity, nobody will be opening web browsers first anymore. With web sites now coming to YOU, there’s no reason for you to go to THEM.

So, Bort’s Portal is technically no longer a portal. I just kept the name because it’s cool.

Moving Ahead

So now, instead of embracing the internet rave of 1999, I’m embracing the internet rave of 2004. Blogs, however, are probably here to stay. It’s the easiest way to create and update a web site, and everybody has opinions. This is closer to the community effort Bort’s Portal was first conceived as anyway. It’s also much easier for me now that contributors to Bort’s Portal can add to it anytime they want, without me manually coding it in.

So, welcome people viewing from CSS Reboot. There’s not much here yet, but it might be worth an RSS subscription.